The Missing Data Point In Every Decision

We dig into why smart, well-meaning leaders still get stuck and keep having the same conflicts. We show how self-awareness changes everything when we finally include ourselves as data and notice what happens in the seconds before we speak. 
• leadership blind spots that hide in plain sight 
• why solution-seeking fails when we omit our own impact 
• “waking up” as noticing rather than self-fixing 
• common signs of an unaware leader in meetings and feedback 
• repeating frustrations as information instead of punishment 
• four awareness targets: stories, triggers, patterns, impact 
• simple language to slow down when defensiveness kicks in 
• how a leader’s fear or courage spreads through culture 
So this week, notice what's shaping you. Notice the story before it becomes the truth. Notice the trigger before it becomes the decision or the pattern before it becomes your legacy. Remember, power is given, but leadership, oh, you're gonna earn that. Stay human.

Transcript

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Blind Spots We All Miss

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you ever worked with someone who says, Oh, I don't like drama? And every person in the room immediately thinks, oh my God, you are the drama. Or the leader who says, my team just isn't very open to feedback. Meanwhile, the last person who gave them honest feedback hasn't been seen since 2019. Or my personal favorite. I think people are intimidated by me because I have really high standards. And I'm gonna like make fun of that one because I used to do that. And the truth is, maybe, okay, maybe you have high standards. Or maybe it's because you know you cannot hold the poker face when you're ticked off. Or every time somebody comes in your office, you kind of sigh loudly. Kind of hard to tell. Humans are fascinating. We can see everybody else's issues with extraordinary clarity. Their blind spots, their patterns, their defensiveness, their ego, their complete inability to read the room. And our own, oh, apparently that's where the lighting gets bad. I didn't see those bags under my eyes. And that's the strange thing about blind spots. You don't know you have them. That's what makes them blind spots, which means the thing you can't see, that might be the very thing shaping everything. I'm Nikki Espinosa. Welcome back to What's Wrong with People. I've spent nearly 30 years studying the wonderfully weird things humans do to themselves and each other. This is What's Wrong with People. We laugh at the absurdity, we uncover what's really happening underneath, and we ask one question: Who will you be when people push every button you have? Because anyone can lead when the room is easy. Leadership is revealed when it gets hard. Power is given. But leadership, oh, you're gonna earn that.

The Missing Data Is You

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Welcome and stay human. All right, welcome back. Welcome back. You know, there is something that I know about leaders. I know a lot of things about leaders, but here's something I know about leaders that we're gonna talk about today. I know that leaders are solution seekers. Okay. I know information gatherers, problem solvers. We ask lots of questions. We annoy the annoy the hell out of people. We look at data, we gather context, we examine patterns. We want to know what happened, why it happened, what caused it, what were what we're missing, what was the risk, what's the opportunity, what's the next move, right? Because we're gonna go. We want all this information. Or at least we say we do. But there is one piece of information that every leader sometimes misses. We forget to include. And it's us. It's how are we impacting the situation? Our fears, our assumptions, our own history here, our ego, our insecurities, our patterns, the stories we're telling ourselves, the things we believe to be facts that may actually just be interpretations. And we've repeated them so many damn times now that we just think they're true. And I think that's fascinating. Because leaders know better than to make major decisions with incomplete information. We would never intentionally eliminate a vital piece of data. And yet sometimes the missing data is us. What am I bringing into this room? What am I assuming? What am I protecting? What am I afraid of? What am I not seeing about myself? Because what if the thing you can't see is the most important thing?

Wake Up By Simply Noticing

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Let's talk about what it means to wake up. And when I say wake up, I don't mean fix yourself. I don't mean become perfectly evolved. God, that sounds exhausting. It's not possible. I don't mean analyze every thought you've had you have or interrogate every feeling or turn your morning shower into your performance review. I just mean notice. That's it. Notice. Notice what's happening inside you before it comes out of you. What happens inside you when someone challenges you? When someone disappoints you, when someone questions your decision, when you feel left out, when another person gets the credit? When someone doesn't respond to your email quickly enough, and suddenly you're three chapters deep into a story about disrespect. What happens when you don't know the answer? When you lose control, when somebody's angry with you, when someone you respect doesn't approve of your decision? What happens inside you then? Because your leadership is often being shaped in the five seconds before you speak. The tightening in your chest, the story that flashes through your mind, the need to defend, to prove, to control, to withdraw, to fix, to make everybody happy, to win. That's the moment. That's the moment to wake up. That's the moment you need to notice. All right, let's pick it up a little

Clues You Are Not Aware

SPEAKER_00 5:36

bit here. You can usually spot a leader who hasn't quite woken up yet. It's the leader who says, people need to be more accountable, but hasn't actually told anyone what they're accountable for. Or the leader who wants honesty, as long as the honesty agrees with them, or the leader who proudly says, my door is always open, while radiating the emotional warmth of an airport security checkpoint. The leader who has the exact same conflict with six different people and remains deeply committed to the theory that six different people are the problem. Or what about the manager who says, that's just my communication style, which is often corporate language for I have no intention of examining my impact. I'm not gonna look at this and you can't make me. Or what about the leader who says, nobody ever tells me anything? And every employee in the organization thinks, we've tried many times. Or the leader who keeps saying, I just don't understand why people won't speak up while interrupting everyone who does. And listen, I'm laughing because I've done my own version of this. Okay, we all have. That's kind of the point. Okay. Being asleep doesn't mean you're a bad person. It makes you human. But staying asleep while life happens and keeps handing you the same lesson over and over again, that's where things get interesting.

When Repeating Frustrations Teach You

SPEAKER_00 7:05

I know this because I've lived it. There was a season of my own leadership when I kept asking, like, why is this so damn hard? Why am I having the same conversations? Why do I keep running into the same frustrations? Why does every solution seem to create another problem? And like most leaders, I looked everywhere for answers. And it was always outside of me. The employee needed to change, we need to improve our communication, we need to shift the culture. Someone needed to be more accountable, someone needed to listen better, someone needed to get on board. And sometimes, honestly, that was true. Sometimes other people were part of the problem, right? Sometimes the system is broken, sometimes the culture is really unhealthy. Waking up doesn't mean blaming yourself for everything. That's not self-awareness, that's just another form of distortion. But eventually I had to ask a much more uncomfortable question. What might I not be seeing? Not what am I doing wrong? Not how is this all my fault? But what information might I be missing? Because I'm standing too close to myself to see it. And that question changed me. Because sometimes the pattern isn't punishment, sometimes it's information. If the same frustration keeps following you, that's information. If the same kind of person always gets under your skin, that's information. If you keep avoiding that same kind of conversation, information. If you leave every job because nobody appreciates you, or every team disappoints you, or every boss is impossible, well, maybe that's worth looking at. Not because you're always the problem, but because you're the one piece of the pattern you actually have the power to examine. And leaders, we should love that. Because it's data, it's information, it's something we can use. Why in the world would we leave out one of the most important pieces of information available to us? Us. So

Stories Triggers Patterns And Impact

SPEAKER_00 9:24

what exactly are we waking up to? I think we start by noticing four things, right? Our stories, our triggers, our patterns, and our impact. So first, our stories, the meaning we assign before we have all the facts, right? That knee-jerk reaction. Oh, they must not respect me. They're trying to undermine me. Nobody appreciates what I do. I have to handle everything myself. If I say no, I'll disappoint everyone. If I admit I don't know, they're gonna, they're not gonna believe in me then. I'll have loose confidence. Or I'll think, well, what if someone disagrees with me? I'm losing control. Stories repeat so often that it starts to feel like the truth to us. And then we begin making decisions based on them. Now that's a problem. Next, we have our triggers. What gets an outsized reaction? You know it, right? Because you're like, ooh, I'm having an emotional reaction to this that doesn't seem to be appropriate for the season. We're not talking about what annoys you, we're talking about what activates you. Right? Is it being questioned? Is it being ignored? Is it feeling disrespected, disappointing someone, losing control, not being needed, not being recognized? And sometimes the size of our reaction tells us something about the size of the wound underneath it. And then there are our patterns. What do you repeatedly do under pressure? Do you avoid? Control? Overexplain? People please? Are you a micromanager? Do you go silent? Do you get sarcastic? Do you become the martyr? Do you take over? Because obviously no one can do it correctly except you. I know, that stings a little bit. And finally, our impact. Because people do not experience our intentions, they experience us. You intend to be efficient, they experience dismissiveness. You intend to maintain high standards, they experience fear. You intend to protect the team, but they experience control. You intend to avoid unnecessary conflict, but they experience silence and confusion. Waking up is beginning to see the distance between who you intend to be and who you actually are. How you are actually experienced. And here's the good news: waking up does not mean you stop being human.

Catch Yourself Before You React

SPEAKER_00 12:08

You don't stop getting triggered, you don't stop feeling defensive, you don't suddenly float into meetings with perfect emotional regulation and inner peace. I really wish that was the case, but you just can't shut this stuff off. But you will start to catch yourself sooner. And that's the work. You notice the story forming before you treat it like fact. You notice your reaction is bigger than the moment. You notice that you're about to send the email you should probably sleep on. You notice your need to be right, your need to be liked, your need to have the last word. You just notice. And then you have a choice. Maybe you say, I may not be seeing this clearly, or tell me what I'm missing, or I can feel myself getting defensive. So let me slow down here. Or maybe you say, I need to think about that before I respond. That's leadership too. Sometimes that's the best leadership. Self-awareness doesn't mean you stop being triggered. It means your triggers stop getting a vote, or the final vote, at least. You pause sooner, you choose sooner, you repair sooner. And that's what waking up starts to look like.

Leadership Amplifies The Whole Culture

SPEAKER_00 13:30

An unaware leader can shape an entire culture. Leadership amplifies us. Our fear becomes the team's caution. Our avoidance becomes the team's confusion. Our defensiveness becomes the team's silence. Our urgency, their anxiety, right? But the opposite's true too. Our courage can become theirs. Our calm can become theirs. Our honesty can give other people permission to tell the truth, especially when it's hard. Our humility can make it safer for people to speak. Our willingness to say, you know what, I might be wrong, can change an entire room. Whatever is alive in you has a way of entering the room with you. Leadership doesn't hide our patterns, it amplifies them. And that's why waking up matters. Because what you don't examine in yourself, someone else may have to experience from you. So this week, notice what's shaping you. Notice the story before it becomes the truth. Notice the trigger before it becomes the decision or the pattern before it becomes your legacy. Remember, power is given, but leadership, oh, you're gonna earn that. Stay human.